14,000 still without power

Posted on December 26, 2009 at 8:33 AM

******

so you will know, and others who may read this ...i will delete this journal in 24 hours.

and i'm gonna also delete the other journal free2003.

and so you understand what i mean by you not being good for me...

i mean, that you stress me out to the point where i live to look forward
to payday and getting alcohol and intoxicated to shut all the evil that you
do to me.

i mean, that you bring out the worst in me to where i end up cussing profanity
after profanity.

i mean, that you bring out the worst in me to where if i'm not looking to get
drunk to shut it all off, then i'm gaining pound after pound with a eating
disorder in appearance who cant stop indulging in food (while also trying
to stop smoking after 30 plus years of smoking.)

i mean, that you make me stay so caught up in all your evil, that i cant even
have any peace whatsoever for all the negative thoughts, negative self talk,
and negative feelings.

i mean, you stress me out to the point where alot of times, i am even having
nightmares about the stuff you have put me thru.

i mean, that you make me live in countless days of fear for the stuff you and
others has put me thru.

i mean, that you make me feel like i have to always look to see whose around
and watching me cause you and your buddies thought it was so cute to follow
me around everywhere i went makin your presence known to where i felt like
i was the target of some wanted prey.

i mean, you made me feel like i didnt have any privacy in my home whatsoever
for your little evil.

and these are just some of the things i feel and live with day in and day out
and all the constant reminders year after year after year because of you and
your little games and agenda's...

and for what???

because i loved someone and trusted you, and thought i could believe in you
because they did, and cause they looked upto people like you???

because i didnt live to please you???

because i refused to let you have any sayso over my life like you wanted???

because i wanted to be myself verses who you wanted me to be???

or because i didnt agree with things and how i was being done and said no more,
and kept a journal incase somethin happened, that people would know the truth???

and as you and others kept playin your little schemes and plots to entrap me
and push me over the edge, and torment me in your little ways that you know
i couldnt prove (so that it would feed into your little "its all in your head"
games), that i was lettin everyone see things for themselves, and you realized
that people werent as stupid and nieve as you played them for as well???

trust me....you were really better off that i did do that, cause if your wise,
you will let that be somethin you can use as a learning tool to try to get
yourself right if you have half the brain you think you have.

cause you will have far worse to fear then all these people in this state and
country and planet together when you answer to God, then you will all us people...

either way...i'm takin my life back! and i'm gonna die livin my own life no
matter who has a problem with it!

and presently, i'm leaving my options open to be with whoever i care to go out
with and i really dont care who has a problem with that either!

but what i wont tolerate, is people lying to me, manipulating me, disrespecting me,
and a long list of other things that love isnt suppose to be about, and really,
i'm not gonna go into them all, cause i'll cross that bridge when the time comes
and i have someone in my life and we get to that place of communicating such
things...

and yeah, i'm startin to do stuff if some's been watchin too...*twirling finger around
in the air*

for all not sure what i mean...i'm talkn about how i've went and signed up for
this stuff online to meet people...

i put it down for both sexes. lol

had to have two separate accounts to do it...

and i might look into some stuff on the phone too and meetin people in my area too.

actually, there was a night kerie and me did that, and had one show up, but then
had it ruined for the drama of kerie's cousin, but i thought it was pretty cool
and fun, and the guy i thought was really cool too and i could relate to as well,
but that all went south for drama, and the cousin has been told not to come back,
and presently, i'm cuttin ties with kerie too for stuff i'm not gonna go into,
but the point i was tryin to make, was that it was fun bein able to see how that
stuff can go, and i might do that too (as i'm gonna be gettin a inside phone line
too in the near future as well as a cell phone.)

incase of power outages, and cell phone's runnin dead, that inside phone line can
come in handy too i realized, and i had someone offerin me a sweet deal to get
it and my internet both for ten bucks more then i'm puttin out now with no
contracts or downpayment, but i gotta hook up with my people tomarrow and see
how this cutoff date goes with things too (as they said it could take upto
4 days from the day i set things up before they get me up and running).

i'm probably gonna be settin it up soon though, cause we had that last ice storm
january 26th, and i know each year these seasons does some funny stuff, and
we done had our first snow storm hit kentucky, and it passed us up goin to the
east, and sure enough, they had 94,000 people without power like a week or so
ago....

but i gotta do some finanglin with things to see what i can do here too, and i
dont wanna be in another ice storm without some protection, and i am lookn to
get that taken care of, and i gotta get a replacement phone for my cell phone
drowning and do what i can with my bills and stuff too, and just gonna have to
see how things goes...

in any event....thats some of whats up too, and while dealin with that, i'm tryin
to get myself back on a better path then what i've been on too, cause i know i
got a unseen family up above thats pullin for me, and i got some people up there
and ancestors pullin for me too, and though i got some hurt from others goin on,
i gotta try to deal with things right, and that means some forgiving and not
stoopin to the low levels, and i'm just so tired and drained with all this
unnecessary crap, and people thinkin i have to live to please them and there
little tests, and thinkin i have to prove somethin to them, and blah blah blah...
I'M SICK OF IT ALL YA KNOW???

heck, even my kid sister emailed me last night wishin me a merry christmas,
and as hurt as i was and feelin like everyone was out to get there "i'll show you"
on ....i wished her and the rest a merry christmas too and told her i loved her
also....*cause i dont wanna live in that hurt either, and its always easier to
forgive and move on, and hopefully not let all the stuff eat at ya and drag ya
down, and if nothin else just stay away from one another to stop the hurting
bein exchanged back and forth, then to live in all the negative crap ya know???*

and i really do love my family though they can and have opened more cans of
piss me off then i can even count....

but i too have gave them some cans of piss them off too ya know???

and if i've learnt one thing from my mothers dying....

i've learnt that when you see that one you love layin stiff and cold in that
casket....you really could careless about who was right and who was wrong all
them times you were into it, and if anything, you normally want to kick yourself
for lettin such nonsense even come between ya....

AND I DONT WANNA LIVE LIKE THAT, AND I'M SICK OF LIVING LIKE THAT, CAUSE THATS
ALL IT SEEMS THAT PEOPLE WANTS TO STINKIN DO! FIGHT AND ARGUE...ARGUE AND FIGHT...
PUSH AND BULLY...TRY TO CONTROL SOMEONE...THINK THERE BETTER THEN SOMEONE ELSE...
TALK ABOUT THIS ONE...TALK ABOUT THAT ONE....STICK THERE NOSE WHERE IT DONT BELONG
HERE AND THERE....I'M TIRED OF IT ALL!!! I DONT WANT MY LIFE ABOUT THIS KINDA CRAP
AND I NEVER HAVE, AND WHOEVER THINKS THIS IS WHAT LIFE IS ABOUT AND WHY WERE PUT
HERE, THEN YOU NEED TO READ THE BOOK!!!

and seriously....i could use the reminders myself "which is why thats what the
next journal i just created is gonna be about"....

and if i can figure out a way to get me some bible cd's and a battery operated
box to listen to incase i have a power outage and want somethin good for me to
listen to ............i'm gonna do that too!

if not, i'll figure out a way to have me some light and read the book too, but
i aint forgot that little thing that i've wanted to do also...

i've just straight up had my life caught up into so much stuff...well...i aint
gonna go there, but i am tryin to find my way back to where i believe i need to
be, and like i've heard many say...."if god be for me, then who are you tryin
to come against me ay?"

and i'm gonna work on this weight as my new years resolution too...i'm shootin
for 2 things as my resolution...

1. work on droppin this weight.

2. stickin to my resolution!

this weight is causin me too many health problems, and i must say, that all this
manure i've been caught up in, has taught me a few things too....

mainly: i cant afford to have crap in my life, or i'm gonna end up havin problems
of all sorts from one thing to another....whether it be my peace, my health,
my attitude, my thinking, my sleeping, my emotional state of mind, my heart,
my way of viewing others, my spiritual, etc....

and if anyone has kept up with me and these journals....*your proof is right
before your eyes in the journals*

so when i say that i forgive, but i dont wanna be around people cause there not
good for me....its me choosing to learn from my lessons i was taught...

and its me choosing to not do a repeat of the same mistake...

especially when i dont even see a sign or clue of anything appearing like its
different then what it was ya know know what i'm sayin?

i dont have to live in hate for people, and i'm not goin to.

and its not right to either!

but i can try to do what its gonna take to give me that inner peace inside, and
press on, and not live in this same circle of manure year after year after year,
and try to get myself back to a place that was good for me, and stuff was workin
for the good in my life, and truthfully....that was when i was tight with my
man jc up above...

and i'm not sayin that i'm gonna be all perfect and all that cause i do that either,
cause between you and me...i know better. i know i got alot of wrong in me, and
thensome, but i also know, that that family is up there waitin for me to get
my life goin in a better place then i've been at, and also to a place they want
me to be at, and so long as i keep myself stuck in all this stuff i've been stuck
in, and all the distraction and temptation and bein in these places feelin i have
to do this and do that to shut this off and that hurt and feelin i have to live
swallowin this bottle of this/that, and man............its just some serious
somethin or another....*not sure what ya call it, but tired of bein there ya
know?*

holidays are rough for me too...and i could have had a drink today with what i had
left, but chose not to.

has been rough for other reasons too, but not goin there either, but didnt none of
it kill me, and i really have no desire to dwell or drown in the downer stuff either.

aint sayin i'll never touch a drop of anything again either.

ya know why?

cause i aint even sure if i'm gonna be here tomarrow or not ya know?

i'm gonna start leavin that kinda thinkin where it belongs!

and right now, all i gotta worry about is where i'm at right now, and right now,
i'm thankful i got what i do got, and i'm thankful its not worse then what it is
(cause i know things could be worse), and i know that change starts with me too,
so thats where i'm at ya know???

and well...i've said enough as far as i'm concerned, and thats whats up, and
i'll be deleting these journals cause quite frankly, i'm sick of all the negative
crap, and bull, and i'm gonna just hope that one day people will choose to make
some other decisions then what they've choosin also...

thats my word for things goin on...

Free Out

i tried to be cool and delete this journal, but some wants to keep pushin that
envelope as usual, and keep playin there games dickin with me online even when
tryin to just let the past be in the past, and makin a new beginning.

i'll give the readers 3 guesses who it is...*i'm sure you all know if you've been
keepin up with the journal*

either way....its stayin since they cant stop with there little lowdown dirty,
and i'm gonna start a new journal and myspace and leave things with this one as is...


Free Out

just hopped back on here to say bye and take care amy. also, my condolences if
ya end up reading this journal or the other one with the user name free2003.

its nothing more then continuous bullshit, bitching, and people who wants to
play there bullshit of ganging up on someone and doin all they can to run
there corrupt little ugly while being the discriminating bigots that they
are, and thinking that all i'm put here for, is for them to fuck with my
life, my emotional state of mind, and play all there lowlife little dirty
to try to make someone live to please there ugly little asses, and the shit
is gonna stop with everyone...

and i do mean EVERYONE!

i am tired of day in and day out bitching. i am tired of living with all the
fuckin stress. i am tired of the chest pains (as i got them goin on off/on
again today, and i done heard a doctor tellin me today about how loud my
heart murmur was when they were listening to my heart.)

i am not gonna fuckin end up killin over for a heart attack for none of these
son of a bitches, and more then that, i'm fuckin tired of sounding like a
damn skipped record too.

i'm gonna just accept that people cant stop runnin there bullshit, apparently
thinks that they dont have to listen to a damn fuckin thing that i say,
and would rather live in all there fuckin lies they all live in, and truth
is.............i aint livin in the shit no more!!!

i'm gonna fuckin break away from all this fuckin shit on the internet,
deal with what i have to after helpin kerie out, and save to get the fuck
out of this county once and for all since sorryass fuckin people cant let
nobody have a fuckin life here for there bullshit.

and when i go...i aint gonna bother to let people know where i'm goin or
anything either, cause truth is.....i dont mean shit to people to do anything
other then ruining what years of my life that i have left for there
fuckin bullshit, and little ugly, and thinkin this is all im fuckin put
on this earth for, and i'm so fuckin sick and tired of fuckin liars, i
cant even fuckin see straight anymore.

and i dont know what makes people think that liars wont be in hell, but
i assure you.....the bible speaks very clearly of how liars are gonna
be burnin in that pit of hell LOUD AND CLEAR, AND IF YOU PEOPLE WHO
ARE LIVIN IN ALL YOUR LIES WERE AS FUCKIN SMART AS YA THINK YOU ARE,
YOU WOULD FUCKIN GET THAT THRU YOUR HARD OF HEARING THICKASS BIGOT
SKULLS!

anyways....i wish ya the best amy.

i really fuckin do.

and i'm not gonna change shit i got set up either, and thats final, and
whoever has a fuckin problem with it, can fuckin kiss my fuckin fat ass
and go to fuckin hell too! as i've said time after fuckin time....ITS MY
FUCKIN LIFE....NOT ANYONE ELSES.....AND I'M FED UP WITH PEOPLE THINKIN
I HAVE TO LIVE TO PLEASE THEM!!!

you've apparently chose to move on with your life also amy, and thats your
god given right also, but i'd appreciate it if you'd carry my wishes out
if nothin else (as i'm still gonna try to press forward and see about gettin
my own piece of land and stuff too.)

i have a feeling, i'm not gonna ever be able to have any kind of peace until
i do, and until i get it, i probably wont have dependable transportation too
for the way everyone wants to cover up for criminals to fuck with my shit
and jackoff on keepin me confined.

i hope they all fuckin burn in hell for the shit too!

that includes the fuckin piece of shit lemon bike i was delivered in the first
fuckin place too.

as i've said in this journal in the past....people has been fuckin with my
fuckin transportation ever since i fuckin left my ex, and they were breaking
into the trailer i had before that.

and others can run all there fuckin bullshit that they want, but i know for
a fact the damn authorities has there hand in on it, and i know for a fuckin
fact, the fuckin authorities has been runnin there fuckin mouth to others
about me too, and i know for a fact that the authorities has been covering
up for the piece of shit lowlife criminals fuckin with my transportation
and shit too!!!

and i know that others has fucked me over too with transportation from the
fuckin piece of shit dennis lowes of tin ponys, robert dieckman (who stuck
me when gettin the bike takin my money and sellin me the bike fucked up,
but at least helped out with gettin kerie's car a starter on it, and still
hasnt been paid for that as told with a bitchout from his wife cause of
tryin to let them know shit went south and wakin them up when tryin to leave
a message on there machine/her goin off at my ass instead of lettin me just
leave the fuckin message.)

as some once said....*knock the 50 bucks off the fuck job of the $800.00 bike
and it still dont come close to what i was out...not to mention my money
at the shop and fucked the bike too from sorryass dennis lowe of tin ponys.*

i know steve manson is a fuckin liar and that sorryass bitch costed me a
rebel motorcycle for not knowin how to diagnose a fuckin battery (not to mention
so much shit with you, that i hope he fuckin eats shit and dies too.)

i know these authorities are in on shit with there other little buddies too
and connections.

i know my family dont give a fuck about anyone but there own damn selfish
greedy selves, and truthfully, i suspect them bein in on this fuckin gang up
shit, and either way, they'd still rather live in there fuckin lies then
care about the fuckin truth, and if i dont live to please there fuckin asses,
they wanna run there shit of makin sure i have the worst christmas then
i've ever had in my fuckin life like they made loud and clear this year
(while truth is, they fuckin shove $100.00 in food i'm sure each fuckin
month with my brother and sister, and either way....i aint wasting my fuckin
time ever again with anything pertaining to them, and they can all live in
there little circle they thrive on being as well as all there lies and bullshit
of always tryin to blame me for shit.)

bottom line, when it comes to my family as i said before....my mom knew!!!

and thats why before my mom died, that she was so worried about me too
cause truth is, my mom was the only one who ever did care, and it was
because of my mom, that i had the help i had. and as for this step
mom joni....i really wouldnt put it past her to have had them send me
the biggest fuckin piece of shit they had, if not tell the mechanics
to fuck somethin else up on it to go along with this fuckin gang up
bullshit, and that bitch has ran her fuckin mouth to me for the last
fuckin time she will ever get the fuckin chance also.

and she can throw up in my face how my dad wont talk to me and change
her twisted words she likes to twist, and any other fuckin thing she
wants to do, but i assure you....that bitch will never have the fuckin
time of day again anymore then anyone else...and i dont care if i hear
someone wants to see me on there fuckin death bed....I WILL NOT BE
THERE ANYMORE THEN THERE FUCKIN FUNNERAL!

i am fuckin done with everyone's fuckin shit!

no fuckin more!

everyone can live bein the fuckin liars that they want, and everyone
can fuckin reap what they fuckin sowed too as i said...

i'm not gonna spend my time in these chatrooms or on this livejournal
anymore, i'm not gonna waste my time with a bunch of fuckin bullshit
and drama and liars where i live and fuckin bigots who cant do nothin
but get there fuckin gang up hate crime goin after using someone
and costing me all that they fuckin costed me.

i just want you to take care of shit if somethin happens k?

alright, i'm gonna get off here. like i said, i am havin fuckin chest pains
off and on and i'm walkin away from all this shit, cause none of these
fuckin people are fuckin worth me killin myself over *though they may
wish they were that important*

there day will come...

but as for me....i'm done with everyone and everything and i'm gonna do
what i gotta do to, and fuck whoever has a fuckin problem with it.

be happy sunshine. you know how i feel about you without sayin it if ya read
this too.

bye

Free

YOU FUCKIN HAD TO GET THAT ISP AFTER I RESTORED IT THE OTHER DAY FUCKIN WITH
MY BROWSER SO YOU CAN GET YOUR FUCKIN "LETS DICK WITH SOMEONE SOME MORE" BULLSHIT
HUH HACKER? WELL FUCK YOUR BULLSHIT TOO!

YOU JUST HEARD THE LAST FROM ME THAT YOUR GONNA HEAR ALSO!

WE'LL FUCKIN SEE HOW LONG IT WILL BE BEFORE SOMEONE FUCKIN HEARS FROM ME AGAIN...

WE'LL FUCKIN SEE!

GO RUIN SOMEONE ELSES FUCKIN LIFE SINCE THATS ALL ANY OF YOU CAN FUCKIN DO!

AND THEN THINK YOUR ALL THAT CAUSE YOU BULLY, GANG UP ON, HARASS, PUSH
SOMEONE AROUND, AND LIVE ON YOUR FUCKIN LIES AND CONCEITED FUCKIN HATEFUL
ASSES!

CAUSE TRUST ME.....YOU ALL JUST HEARD FROM ME FOR THE LAST FUCKIN TIME YOUR
GONNA HEAR FROM ME, AND YOUR NEVER GONNA DO NOTHIN BUT BE THE SORRYASS FUCKIN
LOSERS THAT YOU ARE, WHO CANT DO NOTHIN BUT PLAY WITH PEOPLES LIVES CAUSE
YOUR SUCH SORRY FUCKIN NOSEYASS PEOPLE WHO CANT FUCKIN LIVE YOUR OWN LIVES,
THAT YOU GOTTA SET OUT TO FUCKIN DO ALL YOU CAN TO RUIN OTHERS!

FUCKIN PATHETIC FUCKIN PEOPLE...YOU ARE TRULY THE MOST FUCKIN PATHETIC
LOSERS I HAVE EVER FUCKIN SEEN!

AND MORE THEN THAT...YOU ALL MAKE ME FUCKIN SICK TO MY STOMACH TO WHERE
I COULD FUCKIN PUKE ON ALL YOUR HATEFUL EVIL THINK YOUR ALL THAT ASSES!

YOU AINT SHIT! NOT A FUCKIN ONE OF YOU ARE ANYTHING OTHER THEN HATEFUL
UGLY NOSEYASS FUCKIN PEOPLE WHO DONT HAVE A LIFE, AND HAS TO SET OUT
TO RUIN OTHERS CAUSE OF YOUR OWN PATHETIC LIVES!

AND YOUR SO FUCKIN DESPERATE TO KICK SOMEONE DOWN AND KEEP THEM DOWN
FOR YOUR THINK YOUR ALL THAT SHOW YA PUT ON, THAT ITS TRULY NOTHING
BUT SICKENING!

I'M DONE WITH YOU ALL....I HAVE FUCKIN HAD IT WITH EVERYONE!

DONT A FUCKIN DAMN ONE OF YOU KNOW HOW TO DO NOTHIN BUT BE A BUNCH OF
FUCKIN SORRYASS FUCKIN FAKES AND LIARS AND UGLY EVIL EXCUSES OF HUMAN
BEINGS, AND FUCK ME WANTIN A DAMN FUCKIN THING TO DO WITH A HATEFUL
BIGOT ONE OF YOU AGAIN!

YOU ALL MADE YOUR CHOICES, AND NOW I'M MAKIN MINE....AND I'VE DECIDED
I'M BETTER OFF WITHOUT ANY OF YOU IN MY LIFE THEN TO KEEP YOU IN IT
TO DO ALL YOU CAN TO RUIN MINE!

AND ITS ALL CAUSE YOU WANNA LIVE IN YOUR FUCKIN STINKIN LIES!

AND YOUR FUCKIN LITTLE BULLSHIT OF THINKIN SOMEONE HAS TO LIVE TO PLEASE YOU!

LIKE I SAID...YOU ALL MAKE ME FUCKIN SICK, AND I DONT KNOW WHO IN THE FUCKIN
HELL A DAMN ONE OF YOU THINK YOU ARE, BUT I'LL TELL YA WHAT YOU ARE NOW...

YOUR ALL OUT OF MY FUCKIN LIFE, AND FUCK WASTING MY TIME AND MONEY AND
GOOD HEART ON A DAMN FUCKIN ONE OF YOU AGAIN!

TAKE YOUR LIES YOU LIVE IN AND ALL YOUR LITTLE GANG UP BULLSHIT AND
YOUR FUCKIN SHOW AT MY FUCKIN EXPENSE, AND GO TO FUCKIN HELL EVERY FUCKIN
ONE OF YOU!

BYE ONCE AND FOR ALL, AND IF YOU GOT ANY FUCKIN SMARTS TO A DAMN FUCKIN ONE
OF YOU, YOU'D GET YOUR LYING ASSES RIGHT WITH THE LORD BEFORE ITS TOO LATE,
BUT EITHER WAY....YOUR ALL OUT OF MY LIFE FOR ALL THIS SHIT YOU'VE PUT ME
THRU AND DONE TO ME, AND YOUR FUCKIN GAMES OF "SO WHAT IF SOMEONE SPENDS
YEAR AFTER FUCKIN YEAR CONFINED, AND ALL YOUR FUCKIN STRESS AND BULLSHIT
AND FUCKIN SHIT OF THINKIN I HAVE TO LIVE TO PLEASE YOU, AND ALL YOUR
BIGOTRY AND BULLSHIT OF YOUR MONEY MAKIN YOU THINK YOUR ALL THAT, AND
TRUTHFULLY..............YOU ALL MAKE ME SICK TO MY STOMACH, AND I'M NOT
LIVIN ANY OF YOUR FUCKIN SHIT NO MORE."

NO FUCKIN MORE FROM A DAMN FUCKIN ONE OF YOU!

GO TO FUCKIN HELL IF YOU CANT GET YOUR FUCKIN HEADS OUT OF YOUR ASSES AND
STOP WITH YOUR BULLSHIT AND MAKE SHIT RIGHT THAT YOU HAVE PUT ME THRU TOO!

Free GONE FOR GOOD!

FUCK ALL THIS SHIT! AND FUCK YOUR GAMES TOO HACKER! I AM NOT WASTING ANOTHER
FUCKIN MINUTE OF MY FUCKIN TIME AND BREATH ON YOUR FUCKIN BULLSHIT EITHER!

welp, it looks like all that seems to matter to people this holiday season
is doin all they can to ruin mine...

i dont know why this surprises me anymore cause its clearly all that seems
to matter to people year after year, and the only thing thats changed
is how they all want to try to see how far they can push stuff til someone
finally says the hell with all...

well guess what? ya got it now people...

merry fuckin christmas, and i wouldnt count on hearin from me again on here or
in real life either one.

hope ya feel like your all that for bein the heartless fuckin bitches and
bastards that you all fuckin chose to be.

and you can stick all your other fuckin games up your fuckin asses too and
stay the fuck out of my life as well.

i am fuckin tired of this shit, and more then that, i am fuckin tired of
repeating myself time after fuckin time and you fuckin think your all
that full of yourself fuckin lowlife fuckin losing asses doin nothin but
thinkin its okay to keep pushin your little fuckin envelope.

stick your fuckin degree of bullshit up your cocksuckin asses, and fuckin
stay the hell out of my life with all your bullshit to make someone
stay a fuckin prisoner and confined year after fuckin year and
every other fuckin sorryass fuckin thing you've done!

your fuckin day will come when you all get to answer for this shit, and
i personally as i've said before....wouldnt give a fuckin bucket of piss
for any of your fuckin futures either.

you wanna trade your fuckin little show for your fuckin souls and fuckin
degree in bullshit, then fuckin live with your choices when you reap
what you fuckin sowed ya hear me?

til then, stay the fuck away from me, stay the fuckin hell out of my life,
and fuck me wasting my fuckin time on a damn fuckin one of you again.

fuckin sorryass fuckin losers is all you fuckin are..

keep pushin shit cause you cant make someone fuckin live to please your
fuckin ugly hateful bigot asses...

go to hell and fuckin rot there you fuckin sorryass people who thinks
your all that.

thinkin your better then someone.

thinkin you have the right to fuckin dick with someone's fuckin life.

thinkin all someone is fuckin here for is to please your fuckin sickass
ugly selves...

fuck you all ya hear me...???

i dont need you dictating my fuckin life.

i aint livin to please none of your asses, and fuck your damn mindgames,
your fuckin brainwash tactics, your fuckin depression this and depression
that shit, your fuckin tryin to force someone to fuckin be someone i'm not
to please you, your fuckin dating shit you keep flooding my email with,
your fuckin bullshit about school you keep tryin to shove down someone's
fuckin throat, and all your other fuckin bullshit of "you be how i want,
or your gonna fuckin live forever bein confined".....

GO TO FUCKIN HELL AND ROT THERE YA HEAR ME?

GO TO FUCKIN HELL AND ROT!

I DONT KNOW WHO IN THE FUCKIN HELL A DAMN FUCKIN ONE OF YOU FUCKIN THINKS
YOU ARE SERIOUSLY, BUT I'LL TELL YA WHO YOUR NEVER GONNA BE....YOUR NEVER
GONNA BE THE ONE WHO CONTROLS HOW I FUCKIN LIVE MY LIFE, OR WHO I FUCKIN
LOVE, OR ANY OTHER FUCKIN THING YA HEAR ME?

AND SHOVE YOUR FUCKIN BULLSHIT OF BRINGIN OUT THE FUCKIN WORST IN SOMEONE
AND YOUR FUCKIN ENTRAPMENT SHIT AND EVERYTHING ELSE UP YOUR FUCKIN
EVIL HATEFUL ASS, AND I HOPE YOU ALL FUCKIN CHOKE AND ROT ON WHAT
YOU SOWED WHEN IT COMES YOUR FUCKIN TIME TO ANSWER TO GOD TOO!

dont ever speak to me again, cause your gonna start gettin every fuckin
thing you dished out to me in return and right back at ya now...

Free Out

AND FUCK YOUR DAMN SHIT TOO FAMILY!!!

YOU CAN PLAY YOUR FUCKIN GAMES OF NOT SPEAKING, AND YOU CAN ALSO FUCKIN
GET READY TO FIND OUT THAT SHIT GOES BOTH WAYS TOO!

LIKE I SAID IN THE PAST....MY LIFE WOULDNT BE LIKE THIS IF MY REAL
MOM WAS ALIVE, AND CLEARLY, YOU ALL ARE THE FUCKIN REASON WHY SHE
WAS SO WORRIED BEFORE SHE DIED TOO!

I AINT LIVIN MY FUCKIN LIFE TO PLEASE YOUR FUCKIN ASSES EITHER!

AND YOU ALL CAN BE YOUR FUCKIN LITTLE CLIQUE THAT YOUR ALL IN,
YOU CAN FUCKIN LIVE IN ALL YOUR FUCKIN LIES VERSES THE TRUTH,
YOU CAN FUCKIN CHOOSE TO CARE ABOUT YOUR FUCKIN LYING MOLESTING
SON AND PUT OUT AND DO MORE FOR THEM THEN YOU EVER WILL ME
(AND MORE THEN THAT...KEEP WHATEVER YOU FUCKIN GOT FROM HERE
ON OUT FOR ALL I GIVE A FUCK)!!!

YOUR NOTHIN BUT A BUNCH OF FUCKIN LIARS WHO ARE NOTHIN BUT
STUCK ON YOUR OWN DAMN SELVES, THINKIN YOUR BETTER THEN ME,
AND THINKS BECAUSE SOMEONE IS FUCKIN POOR, THAT THEY HAVE
TO BOW DOWN AND KISS YOUR FUCKIN FAT ASSES AND GROVEL...
WELL GUESS WHAT? FUCK YOU ALL! AND FUCK YOUR LIES YOU
ALL LIVE IN TOO!

YOUR GONNA ONE DAY FIND OUT THAT SOMEONE UP ABOVE KNOWS
THE DAMN FUCKIN TRUTH NO MATTER HOW YOU ALL CHOOSE TO LIVE
IN YOUR LIES, AND YOUR GONNA ALSO ONE DAY REALIZE, THAT
YOUR FUCKIN MONEY ISNT EVERYTHING TOO (THOUGH YOU LIKE
TO USE IT TO THINK YOUR BETTER THEN SOMEONE, AND TRUTHFULLY
LOVE IT MORE THEN YOUR OWN FUCKIN FLESH AND BLOOD.)

YOU ALL SEEN TO IT THAT YOU MADE YOUR LITTLE POINT THIS CHRISTMAS
TOO WITH IT BEIN THE WORST FUCKIN ONE FROM YOU ALL IN ALL MY FUCKIN
LIFE, AND NOW I GOT ONE FOR YOU TOO....*FUCK EVER HEARIN FROM ME
AGAIN, AND KEEP YOUR FUCKIN MONEY YOU LOVE MORE AND SHOVE IT UP
YOUR FUCKIN ASSES FOR ALL I CARE.*

YOU WANTED TO PUT ON YOUR FUCKIN SHOW ONCE AGAIN OF HOW YOUR
THE ALMIGHTY THIS AND THAT.....WELL YOUR SHOW HAS JUST BEEN
FUCKIN CANCELLED AT MY FUCKIN EXPENSE TOO...HOPE IT WAS FUCKIN
WORTH IT, YOUR ALL OUT OF MY LIVES AND TRUST ME, I WILL FUCKIN
DIE BEFORE I EVER TURN A DAMN FUCKIN ONE OF YOU AGAIN!

dont even ask me about all them posts and what they were about....i didnt even
read them, and i havent a clue....

*shakin my head with a really bad hangover*

anyways, i deleted them.

and i drank all the whiskey minus enough for one drink maybe. lol

yep.....was about half of a half gallon and after the bad day i had yesterday,
i hit into it good it appears.

needless to say, there wont be any for christmas to drink now....lol

hmmm

ah well...stuff happens i guess.

i gonna get my hangover butt off here...

Free Out

hey amy,
just so ya know, i ended the friendship with kerie yesterday too.
i accepted that things werent ever gonna be more then friends with her,
and cut the ties. it wasnt her fault that i fell for her anymore
then it was your fault that i fell for you.

thats all i'm gonna say about things, and yes, i'm gonna still
set things up with the life insurance policy and her as the beneficiary
too.

this is the last of me on this livejournal. just
lettin it be noted where things are standing presently with kerie also.

and no, i dont regret helping her out also (even though things didnt work
out with us being more then friends).

i'm moving on and wishing her the best as i do you. i'm letting go of
believing that things can ever happen with you or her, and still setting
things up as i said i was going to with the life insurance policy.

as for anything else........to be honest with ya.....its nobody's business
anymore.

nor is my life from now on either.

i've had it with everyone and everything, and people who cant do nothin
but play there little cherades and games and being bigots and bullies
and living on there hatred and being ugly, and thinkin there better then
someone, and conditional love, and bottom line....all the hurt.

as i said before...the greatest hurt of all, is that people would rather
live in there lies, then care about the truth.

i'm washing my hands of everything and everyone, and more then that...i'm
done with havin to explain myself to a single person too!

everyone can think and do whatever they want. quite frankly, i dont care
anymore what that is either, cause no matter what people does from here
on out...i'll never believe that i was ever anything to anyone. the
only one who really cared was my mom, and she's gone to heaven.

merry christmas to all,

Free Out

hey sunshine,
just hopped on here to let ya know that i'm not gonna bother to waste my breath no
more.

its truly somethin when people cant let ya have guests come to your home for
creating problems and drama.

cant let ya enjoy your holiday with your neighbor for there jabs and comments
or has there issues to where jealousy's are more important then a 90 year old
havin a little bit of comfort sittin in a chair (as they use to sit in there
chair all the time and it bein tossed out.)

people who cant do nothin but create internet drama.

others who cant let ya have your mail and has to tamper with it.

and people who cant even acknowledge a simple thank you after sending you
a gift for there bullcrap that like everything else with everyone else, was
so unnecessary..............

and time after time you try to get people to stop with the crap, and time after
time, they wanna keep with it, cause its more important they run there little
gang up games and little agenda's, and live in all there lies, and put someone
thru all this unnecessary hurt cause there so stuck on themselves, and there
greed, and there power, and tryin to think someone needs them to run all this
crap there running when tellin them time after time to stop with it, and dont
nobody need nothin of the such, or to live in all the lies and gang up job
for there twisted warped bullcrap they insist upon running over and over again!

there bigotry, there bein so stuck on themselves thinkin there so self righteous
when they cant even stand people treating people like neighbors or reaching
out helping another person in need, there fake platonic phony love, there
abusing there powers that people swore and took an oathe to uphold, there
little crimes and criminal acts, all there lies they choose to live in covering
up for criminals to keep someone confined and kicked down. there screwed
up warped thinking that someone has to have someone break someone cause truth
is, they get off on there little power trips and thinks there the gods of
this world, and dont know the first damn clue about what someone has been thru
cause there so stuck on themselves, they cant see past there own think they
know it all bullcrap, that there blinded with anything but the truth!!!

well....the truth today is, i'm tired of it all. and i'm tired of bein
everyone's victim. and i'm tired of believing people cares when they dont.
and i'm tired of watching my life and my holidays ruined continuously for
peoples little gang up crap and lies and hatred and discrimination.

and the truth today also is "i'm not wasting my time on here pouring my heart,
my thoughts, my feelings, or anything else again, and i'm gonna leave this
stuff just as it is...............with hopes, that one day people will care
to let the truth set them free, and look at this truth that they have put
me thru while thinkin there all that, and all there little conspiring, and
all there little connections, and hope that one day, they'll stop with it
all and get themselves right with that family up above before its too late
for any of them, but as far as me.............everyone can consider me
out of there lives once and for all.................cause clearly i'm nothin
to none of you people to run this kinda crap you've been running."

and i'm fresh out of makin up excuses for you all too...

i really dont know how you all even look in the mirror at yourselves for all
you have done.

but i suggest you take a really hard look next time ya do, and try some
honesty on for a change verses all your lies you choose to live in, and
all your little cherades your runnin with one another thinkin someone is
too deaf, dumb, and blind to see your little gang up crap your runnin, and all your bigotry, and thinkin your without
sin, and better then someone....when truth is, your all nothin but daily
sinners yourself, and not a darn stinkin one of you are any better then me.

either way....there is a difference with us...i choose to not live in the lies
anymore, and i
choose to not set out to inflict harm on someone, and i choose not to
keep feedin into all of your games or helpin you all keep ruining my life and
holidays and health and personal belongings and everything else you have
no problem ruining for your little gang up crap. *people can tell who
you all are if they read this journal and the one with the user nick free2003*

merry christmas all of you....i'm out of all your lives, and you can all stay
out of mine from now on too since you've truly showed me how i'm nothing
to you, and never was anything other then someone for you to live in your
lies with, scheme, plot, conspire, gang up on, hurt continously, and
do all you can to ruin and destroy every fiber of my life........
if i had to chalk up what the greatest hurt was from all of you though
since you set out to continuously do this throughout the years...i'll
leave lettin ya know what the greatest hurt was....

the greatest hurt was that you all chose to live in your lies verses care
about the truth.

no more from me sunshine...

merry christmas and i hope you have a nice life,

Free Out

morning sunshine,
welp...its a new day.

just got done checking my email. still no reply after sending an email to
my dad thankin him for the $100 bucks he sent for christmas. i guess i'll
make a mental note, that when your father isnt speaking to you and sends
you a $100 bucks for christmas, that i may as well not bother replying
back with a thank you cause even if i do, its not gonna be acknowledged
either....

merry christmas world....you all make it so enjoyable i cant begin to
tell you....

*shaking head*

not gonna bother bein on here for the rest of the day either sunshine...and
ya know what i was thinkin also??? i was thinkin some would probably like
to run me off, cause if people ended up seein how everyone did me between
this livejournal and the emails, they'd see some truth verses people who
wants to live in there lies and deceits of how dirty they really did me....

either way, one day none of it will matter...and one day, the one person
they wont be able to con will serve justice on my behalf too. the sad
thing about it all however, is no matter what gets done to them...it
will never erase all the scars or hurt that they've seen to it, that i'll
always live with.

in any event...the holidays are ruined, and i hope all are happy who had there
hand in it.

Free Out

dang if this day dont keep gettin somethin or another here....*shakin head*

apparently nell has a problem with mrs basham havin the chair to sit on,
and would rather her sit on a hard plastic chair instead of a more
comfortable one.

she had mrs basham tell me to take it back home, and that she'd rather
her have the other chair in there.

found out when barrowing mrs bashams phone to call and see what the lowdown
was on me gettin a phone from walmart possibly (as i heard you could use
any other t-mobile phone also.)

apparently, what the lowdown on that is....is when your phone is a goner
such as mine is, you can go and get a phone at walmart and put the sim
card in the phone ya get from them, and if the sim card got messed up
also, then you have to go to t-mobile for another sim card.

i'm gonna guess my sim card is a goner too, but i heard from a neighbor
that the sim cards runs around 12 bucks. i havent talked to tmobile yet
to ask, but everytime i call them, it takes a while to get them on the
phone, and well...anyways, when i got off the phone from talkn to them
at mrs bashams, thats when i heard nell wanted me to take the chair
back.

*shaking head*

dont ask me why peoples problems with me doin anything is more important
then there own elderly mother bein comfortable and stuff...but this is
just a continuing thing thats bein done in the nicest possible way i'm
guessing on nells part to say "i dont want mom havin your chair to sit on"
just like she dont want her to have anything else i give to her or do
for her too.

*pittiful.........and i'm too drained from everyone elses drama today to
do anything other then what i did "which was apologize to mrs basham",
cause its truly a shame that people has to act in such a manner (not
to mention someone who thinks there such a representative of the church
and body of christ as nell does), but once again....the one who has to
really pay the price of it all is mrs basham.*

i've been seein other things goin on too with mrs basham thats been changin
too, and honestly...i aint likin it, but i know it wont do no good to
go there either...have to just put it in Gods hands (as i'm tryin to do better
here and get myself back to bein closer with that unseen family since i have
wondered so far away lately), but its pittiful is all i can say, and
well...this is more of how my day is goin............

*doesnt this make you all just want to jump for joy and get out of bed and
face the day???*

and others wonders why i want to move also....*shaking head*

Free Out *sigh*

p.s. for the record, i had mrs basham tryin to give me a cookie today
too, and declined after seein that was a problem for nell also...

i'm tired of feelin like if i have a glass of milk or cookie over there
or somethin, then i have to have nell make her comments and stuff
about that too, but mrs basham did try like i dont know what to get me
to take one, and i just told her i was stuffed and needin to drop
some pounds not to hurt her feelings, and it wasnt lyin either cause
i do need to drop the pounds too....

now we have more coincidences goin on when at other sites.....*sigh*

had to send a email to the walmart online site cause coincidentally, when
tryin to put items in the cart and tryin to find out the total of things
to be shipped to my home, it wouldnt allow me to do such.

*internet drama....shaking head*

Thank you for contacting Walmart.com. We value your opinion and welcome your feedback. If you submitted a question, we will respond to you soon.

*there's your proof after sending the email in there question or comment section*

in the event, this is more of the hacking crap that i've been subjected to for years,
i got news for ya pricks...i am still gonna get the items i'm lookin at if there
available come payday. and you can keep thinkin your all that and showin the world
what your definition of a man is too (which frankly stinks, and you couldnt pay
me to want to be with you either for that matter - as i got no use for any man
who thinks playin this crap would ever make me in the least bit want a darn thing
to do with them, or any other stupid jerk who thinks manipulating and harassing
and bullying and ganging up and all this other crap that i keep seeing would
make anyone want the likes of any of you.)

and once again....we know who has these abilites like other abilities too...keep
thinkin your all that like i said....put on your show since you obviously
are so desperate, that you have to stoop to such crap (as well as waste
the taxpayers dollars)....i'm sure knowing you all, you will say its a crime
for someone to order pajama's online too....*pathetic seriously*

either way....just noting it for all to see once again, and i suspect
its more of how people wants to continue with there "think there above the
law corrupt tactics, stalking and harassing and badgering someone
with there little games they insist on playin for there little
scam they wanna try to run and more of there games of knowing someone
cant prove things".

*which again...i suspect is the authorities as well,
and this comes after making a post about them too.*

either way, God knows the truth, and your gonna one day answer for it all
mr think your all that (spitting at the ground...you aint nothin to me,
and you never will be no matter how you get off on discriminating against
people with disabilities and who are gay, and gang up on them and harass
and bully and try to entrap and stalk and run your mouths behind my back
like ya did to people in the 100 bldg when at kerie's apartment.) or all
your other crap you've been running it to others. one day, your gonna
seriously answer for all of it (every single one of you who has your hand
in on this.) and God knows each and every single one of you are, and your
motives, and your thoughts, and is watching your ever single move,
and knows all your names.....................and you will not escape
the real authority of this world!!! *be sure to think your all that
when it comes your time k? be sure to show him how you think your
all big and bad and think its so much fun to harass and torment and
play your little mindgames and everything else you do......cause
trust me...your not gonna con him by no means, and if you had any
smarts about you in the least bit....you should be afraid! you should
be very afraid....cause he has a place for liars and has a place
for those who likes to inflict and harm others, and clearly that
is your game, and i give thanks to him too that your not succeeding
at it either........cause i know who your doin battle with, and your
too stupid to even realize it when told time after time like the
hard of hearing evil that you are who thinks your the authority
of this world, and cleary worships satan instead of God.
your choice though....you think your cute and feel like your so much
better then someone cause you can abuse your powers and bully
people like a little piece of lowlife bottom of the bucket scum,
but your nothin but a little sissy who hides behind computers and
has to gang up on someone cause you aint got the nerve to be a real
man and deal with someone one on one....*pluck pluck pluck little
sissy boy and chickens....pluck pluck pluck....your day will come
either way....God knows who you are....and i hope you decide to
grow up one day and be a real man verses a sissy boy chicken too*

and this is also why your such losers too!

Free Out

Free Out

hello sunshine,
well..it took about 4 attempts i think it was, but i finally got things out on sheldons
voice mail. let her know that if there wasnt a possability of us bein more then
friends, then i needed to get things thru my head, and that i was gonna still end
up helpin her with the cable bill either way, but if it turns out that its not
possible, then i wasnt gonna be moving there, and she'd need to look into other
options in the future, and when i move, i was gonna look to move where i can be
around people like me, and not bark up the wrong tree. that i was gonna still keep
things set up with the life insurance policy also. (which as you know by the last post
if ya read this, appears to be problems with the mail or something.)

its not gonna change me settin things up though no matter whether someone is messin
with things or not. but its also not right people tampering with my mail either,
and clearly, its happening with things pertaining to me re-locating and who
i have as my beneficiary.

and i dont believe anyone has the power and abilty to tamper with the mail that
would be doing so (other then the authorities who i've had problems with, and
whose been trying to entrap me and have there all out gang up hate crime for
me while runnin it about me to others behind my back.)

it just lets me know that people still wants to continue to mess with my life
and personal stuff too....

and i suspect there doin it cause there so nosey, the suspense kills them (if not
trying to keep copies of things and make me just get other copies too for whatever
there agenda is also), but still...they got no business messing with my personal
property period!!! *badge or not*

its not a crime for me to change my beneficiary. its not a crime for me to
choose to re-locate somewhere, and for people to do such things and mess with
my personal property like this, is to think there above the law and can do
as they darn well please while breaking the laws they swore and took an oathe
to uphold.

its wrong! its crooked! and its corrupt!

and i truly hope that people gets to the bottom of it (as well as the decency
to get my mail to the people it belongs to), but in any event, if i dont hear
its not showed up by the 1st of the year, i will pay to have it faxed, and
it will still be changed no matter what others agenda may be.

and it only makes me want to move even more too due to the fact of the continuous
harassment and problems goin on here, and people seeing to it that i cant even
live my life without them invading my life, my privacy, and my personal property.

my mailbox is set up to where nobody can get my mail unless they have the key.

the problems with my mail has been when certain items are being sent to me
from others (as well as when i send items to other individuals as well.)

i do not believe that it is the postal carrier either.

but whoever it is, clearly knows when things are being sent (which would be
known on this internet and thru my telephone conversations), and it doesnt
take a rocket scientist to know that these are both things the authorities
are well known for being able to monitor. *not to mention other things
that has been noted and noticed in the past with authorities as well*

so i dont feel like i'm being way out there paranoid like some may like
for me to swallow either.

in any event, if its not where its suppose to be by new years with people
puttin it back in the mail and getting it to the people like its suppose
to be done, i will have it faxed, and again...they just seen to it that
they made me want to re-locate even moreso also, and more of why i feel
i cant even live my life here for the corruption of the authorities here.

and trust me....if this is more of what the people thinks authorities are
suppose to be about, and what people calls being good authorities that
the people in there communities needs, or the kind of stuff that you
wanted to sign on with.......then i guess its safe for me to say, this
is the reason why i hope you never do end up bein a part of the
authorities in any way, shape or form here....cause truly with all
my heart and soul and all of the love that i have had for you amy....
aint none of it smellin worth eatin if ya look at things....and
truly, this is not the kind of authorities that any town needs!

anyways, thats whats been up today (as well as me takin a chair over
to mrs bashams for her to have to sit on). when 102C frank and
josh long were known for havin these bed bugs, nell had mrs bashams
chair be tossed out for frank comin over there and sittin on the
chair, and being worried he packed them over there to her apartment.
nell had put her plastic patio chair in there for mrs basham to sit
on, and it wasnt the most comfortable thing. so...i let mrs basham
choose which chair she would rather sit in between the rocking
leather recliner i had, or the one that i got from tom, and told her
she could use it til nell got one she wanted, and she picked the
one that tom gave me. she liked sittin on it when i had it on the
walkway too in the past. just wanted her to be able to have a more
comfortable chair, and told her and nell i hoped nell wouldnt get
upset over it. i wasnt tryin to do anything other then lettin her
have a more comfortable chair to sit in ya know? nell didnt
appear like she was upset when there which was good, and i sat
and talked with them and visited a little bit too.

other then that, i think thats about all that my day has consisted of.

i seen 100D Misty (the one josh was with when here/been keepin trouble
goin), walkin to the office with the site manager sheila and regional
manager anna today too when visiting. then also seen her headin out with
andrew who lives at kerie's apartment complex take
off in his car somewhere too.

i left word with kerie that maybe she should lay low with comin over here too.

figured if it might have to do with problems thats been goin on, then
it might be best to have kerie lay low with comin over here incase misty
ends up gettin in a mood for some kind of payback or bein mad, and if
there's a chance of that, then maybe a little time for her to cool
down would be a good idea. i'm not sure if thats what was goin on
either, but in the event of that bein a possability, then i thought it
would be best to do that for all sides of things.

so...this is whats all has been goin on in my world thus far...

other then that, i'm watchin tv and hibernating. feel a little rough, but
have felt worse too.

i hope your doin well and your day is goin better.

take care,

Free Out

just got off the phone with the postoffice, and spoke with a man named kevin
scott. i requested an investigation on things goin on with my mail and me not
receiving it when sending life insurance beneficiary changes, and people sending
me stuff to re-locate. informed him also, that i suspected it bein the authorities
behind it, but that if that was the case, its still a federal offense to be
tampering with my mail, and there not above the law either.

Free Out

welp, it appears the life insurance place STILL HASN'T gotten the change of
beneficiary for kerie to be on the policy............

once again, when trying to change the beneficiary, there has to be problems
(which again makes me suspect authorities are tampering with my mail).

*shaking head*

i guess i'm gonna have to put out money for it to be faxed due to this
non-sense.

its amazing how this stuff happens whether it be me changing my life insurance
beneficiary, or people tryin to send me stuff to re-locate.

i got news for you authorities....you have no business breaking the law
with a federal offense of tampering with my mail, and i dont appreciate
you doing it as well if your doin it too!

its my right to put who i want as my beneficiary, and its my right to
re-locate wherever i darn well please too.

STAY THE HELL OUT OF MY LIFE AND MY BUSINESS! GET IT THRU YOUR FUCKING
HARD OF HEARING HEAD!

Free Out

i'm gettin ready to go lay it down, but thought i'd mention one other thing too...

no matter how things goes, i still want the life insurance policies i got set up,
to remain in peoples names that i have them set up in also.

that isnt somethin i want to change.

and i hope that will be alright too.

just wanted to mention that also. cause i dont really wanna change that.

with that said...i'm goin to bed. take care and have a good one.

Free Out

oh yeah, and one other thing too...

no matter how things turns out, i'm gonna still give her the 30 bucks for her cable
too.

me makin this decision doesnt have nothin to do with the cable bill. i'm just
gonna let her know, that when i do this, that if things dont work out, she's
gonna have to look into other options, but at least it'll buy her a little time
also.

and i still wont regret helpin her out like i did either. honestly, i would
have done the samething had it been you in that position ya know?

i actually feel good about helping her too if the truth be known also. felt like
it was one of the few things that i did that was right (though others dont seem
to get it.)

anyways, just thought i'd mention that too incase some read this and thought that
it might have somethin to do with the cable bill. lol

it has nothin to do with that, and i'm gonna still end up givin her the 30 bucks
no matter what.

alright, with that said...i'm gonna go clean up the mess. i done ate some spaghetti.

still feelin this hangover real bad too, and been feedin the ulcers and delutin the
alcohol in me. lol

i aint in no hurry to drink again right now, i know this much. lol

killed 1/3 of the half gallon. lol

its alright though...i dont know why i thought i could get over her drinkin and
gettin drunk in the first place now that i think of it. it didnt do me no good
with the sunshine bird, so what made me think it would with sheldon ya know? lol

more of that brainy thinkin of mine i guess huh? :)

i wish i could tell ya where i'm at anymore, but honest and truly i cant.

i guess i just wanted to not keep feelin how i've been feeling and not think
about things, and well...i guess sheldons life had a way of takin my mind
off things as well sheldon herself. lol

part me is still askin myself whether this stuff was such a bad thing or not
though?

i mean, i dont know if i'll ever see things happen that i want. i think odds
are seriously against me, but i just dont know where i belong anymore i guess
or if i even belong anywhere.........

i've seen the feedback with others, and seen what all has happened in the years,
and lost those i love, messed up with you, have a father that dont even want
to speak to me, a family that would rather not have me in there life, others
i cant ever measure upto or anything i ever do bein good enough.......

maybe i'm just gettin everything i deserve ya know?

anyways, i dont wanna drown in the stuff either, but should it be that i dont
come back to this journal, then i guess people will know why and whats up,
and honestly, i may just delete it all too.

dunno...will think about it, but anyways, thought i'd let it be known where
i stood incase people are worryin about the 30 bucks i was gonna give to
sheldon for the cable bill.

i'm sure the kids and her both truly are glad to have it. they never had
tv in there home the whole time i knew her when she was living here. she
had a tv, but would watch some dvd's on it. she didnt have many of them either.

i'm sure that gets old watchin the same one's over/over again too.

welp, i'm gonna end this and clean up the mess i made in the kitchen.

wish you all the best, and hope your doin well, and hope you have everything
in life that your looking for and want.

Love ya always,
Free Out